Nursery Crimes

“Jack and Jill”

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after
Now Jack and Jill took quite a spill
For Jack to die but not her
The autopsy reckoned the pail was a weapon
And Jack had resisted and fought her
It seems that Jill did have the will
To trick Jack to fetch some water
An accident gory, a likely story
She should be convicted of manslaughter
This wicked Jill had the urge to kill
It’s a damned good thing we caught her
So with her pail, send Jill to jail!
That murdering scumbag

“Dick and Jane”

See Spot
See Spot run
Run Spot run!
See Cop
See Cop arrest Spot
Run Spot run!
See Exhibit C
See bite marks on Jane
See Spot’s DNA
DNA matches DNA!
See Exhibit D
See Dick’s pocket
See bag of E
Sell E Dick sell E!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury
This is conclusive evidence that Dick was running a drug-smuggling ring with his dog Spot
Drug-running, Spot. Drug-running.

“Pat-a-Cake”

Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker’s man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Do it! Do it faster! Do you know what I have in this paper bag pointed at your head?!
I’m serious, you better bake this fucking cake really fuckin quick!
Okay, okay, now pat it and prick it with this syringe.
DON’T ASK QUESTIONS
And put this key inside, but hide it real good so the coppers can’t find it.
Okay, okay, now mark it with a ‘B.’
It’s Dick and Jill’s birthday, so mark that shit with a ‘B’ for birthday
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
And you better not tell the cops about this, I still got a paper bag pointed right at your temple!
Touch it? I ain’t touching that cake! No way am I leaving fingerprints!
Don’t make me angry. It would be a shame if we were to lose another baker’s man
Now put that shit in the oven, bitch. PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN
This one’s for you, Dick and Jill!
BLAM BLAM BLAM