Canadians Invade Hanover!

By Alex Procton ’15

INT. FRAT HOUSE, NIGHT

We open on BRET, a ’13, who is behind the bar in his crowded frat house, and JACK, a ’15, who wants a drink.  JACK is holding up one finger and looking repeatedly in the direction of BRET.

BRET
Hey man, want a drink, eh?

JACK (surprised)
Uh, sure?  Anything, yeah.

BRET
Is Guinness okay?  We ran out of Molson’s a minute ago.

JACK
Yes!  I mean, yes, Guinness is okay.  I’ll take a Guinness.  Please.  What was that other drink you mentioned?

BRET
Molson’s.  Y’know, Molson’s Canadian?  It’s all we drink around here.  It reminds us all of home.

JACK
Are you from the Midwest or something?  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Molson’s around here.

BRET
Nah, we’re from Canada, eh!  Didn’t you know that?

Jack is becoming increasingly flustered.  Just then, MIRANDA, an attractive ’15 in a tight turtleneck sweater, walks over.

MIRANDA
Hey, could I get something to drink?

BRET
Sure, I’ll grab you a beer once these guys over here get some.

MIRANDA
Thanks, friend!

JACK
Wait, why aren’t you getting her a drink right away?  She’s a freshman girl, and you’re an upperclassman guy! (To Miranda) And why are you so ready to wait for a beer?  Couldn’t you get hard liquor in an instant in any frat just by showing a little skin?  What the hell is wrong with you people!?

MIRANDA
It just wouldn’t be polite, y’know?

JACK
Wait, you’re Canadian, too?

BRET
Of course she is, eh? Most of us are down here.

JACK gives up on trying to get a drink and instead decides to try and get on table.

JACK
Hey bro, what’s line like?

BROTHER
Oh, uh, I guess you could get on next?  Thanks for asking, buddy!  Most people wouldn’t be that polite, y’know?

JACK (flatly)
Oh, fuck this.

END SCENE