The Facts of Life

By Michael Lenke ’15

Fact: the Twilight movies have been linked to an increased risk of testicular cancer in both men and women.

Fact: there are 4 spider legs in the average chocolate bar. There’s also 3 milligrams of semen.

Fact: a man in a gorilla suit is a generally more acceptable and less terrifying form of entertainment for children’s’ birthday parties than a gorilla in a man suit.

Fact: a gorilla in a man suit at a birthday party can make only two things with balloons: bananas and full-size reproductions of Michelangelo’s David.

Fact: zebras are the gingers of the horse world. Mules are the midgets.

Fact: apricots and cocaine are of the fruit family.

Fact: the average adult is 7 times as likely to never not misunderstand what didn’t ever just not happen within the sentence not existing before or after this one but occupying the same space with the same letters and meaning.

Fact: women are overall better at multitasking than men, but men have penises.

Fact: people who interrupt conversations to correct other peoples’ grammar are 97% more likely to be douchebags.

Fact: the large amount of nutrients you get from eating a placenta is directly proportional to the amount of friends you lose when they find out.

Fact: vegans are 87% less likely to have a bondage fetish.

Fact: 96% of people need the previous fact explained to them. Too bad I’m not going to do it.

Fact: Ronald McDonald is the most common stripper name.

Fact: a sword, mace, flaming battleaxe, nuke, and small toddler are all mightier than the pen.

Fact: a sword, mace, flaming battleaxe, nuke and small toddler combined are mightier than Jesus.

Fact: the most serious people at any frat party are the guys playing pong. And Chuck Norris.

Fact: if you sneeze, cough, and poop at the same time, your appendix will explode out of your stomach. If you don’t have an appendix, you will grow a new one.

Fact: saying “Bieber” one hundred times in a row will make your brand new appendix explode.

Fact: listening to a slowed down Justin Bieber song backwards will give one a severe case of gonorrhea.

Fact: in a world of 7 billion people, I am no one.  No one is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. But you’re not me. Fucking loser.

Fact: every time you press the door close button in an elevator, an angel gets its wings. And a gorilla in a man suit does your mom.

Fact: the majority of elevator-related deaths involve a gorilla in man suit named Phillip.

Fact: Phillip is watching you read this. Go get in an elevator.