How to Argue…

… with an obnoxious male author:
1. Construct an extended metaphor explaining why you are correct.
2. Claim that your metaphor is more extended than his dick ever will be.

…with an obnoxious author who uses extended metaphors to explain why they are correct:
1. Replace “extended metaphor” with “distended metaphor.”

…with Logictron, the evil logic-based cyborg:
1. Distract it with simple riddles.
2. Unplug it.

…with an evil nemesis in a coma:
1. Distract nurses with simple riddles.
2. Unplug him.

…with a college student:
1. Unplug their laptop.
2. Wait for the battery to die.
3. Claim that everything you say is verified on Wikipedia.

…with Logictron 2.0, the battery-powered evil logic-based cyborg:
1. Be correct about something.
2. Get along just fine.

…with a college student who owns an iPhone:
1. What, they have Wikipedia at all times?
2. Fuck it, go get Logictron 2.0.

…with a blender:
1. Unplug it.
2. What did I tell you about not being able to blend everything now, punk!?

…with a battery-powered blender:
1. LOGICTRON 2.0 SMASH DEVICE THAT CLAIM TO BLEND EVERYTHING. DID IT CONSIDER DIAMONDS OR OTHER HARD ROCKS HUH

…with an article on how to argue with various things:
1. What? Are you seriously arguing with me?
2. Well you know what, you arguing with this article is like starving children arguing with the bread they receive. “Here, take this bread, it has nutrients.” “No, I dunno, this bread isn’t that funny, we don’t really want the bread.” That’s an extended metaphor, bitch.
3. A “distended metaphor,” are you kidding me?!
4. Logictron 2.0, get in here!
Logictron: ERROR. LOGIC DOES NOT COMPUTE. LOGICTRON MUST SMASH READER OF… this… arctic…
5. NOOO! You took the batteries out of Logictron! What kind of person are you?! Hey wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?
6. You WHAT?! You unplugged my own grandmother’s life support?! You asshole! Oh god! Oh god! I can’t believe you…
7. Now I’m sobbing… I’m sobbing in a corner next to my dead grandmother and my dead robot… Are you happy?
8. Okay fine, this article isn’t funny or actual advice on how to argue with people… Fine… You didn’t have to be such a dick about it…