A Guide to Starting an Online Chat

“Hello. I am a man.”

The Internet can be a terrifying place. With all the pictures of cats and silly captions in broken English – see what I mean, TERRIFYING!!! If you start chatting anonymously with someone else, use this helpful guide to know what the other anonymous person is thinking about you.

If you are chatting with a female:

What You Say – What She Thinks

Hello – Oh look, someone wants to talk to me.
Any other form of hello – Oh look, someone wants to chat with me.

If you are chatting with a male (regardless of your actual gender):

What You Say – What He Thinks

Hi – I am speaking to a girl, and she is definitely interested in me.
Heyzzz – Man, I haven’t said anything to this girl yet, but she’s so into me
Yo – Arrh, must be a female pirate.
Howdy – Looks like we’ve got a cowgirl. Sexy.
Hey bro – She appears to have an incest fetish. Hmm, I think I can work with this.
ASL? – Why yes I do speak American Sign Language. We should get together sometime and practice… talking to each other, if you know what I mean.
Hey there sweet cheeks! – This dame seems to be interested in Film Noir. Sexy.
Where all the white women at? – She appears to be a lost white woman who has been separated from her sisters!
Hello. I am a man. – Hmm, this girl named Aman seems to have misspelled her name.

As you can see, it is difficult to get a male to think that you are in fact not a woman in anonymous chat. Even if you make this fact abundantly clear, they will still retain a slight hope that you are a woman who is tricking them and who is also interested in a relationship with them. Listed below are the three ways that best deter the aggressive male chatter:

“My boner greets you from afar.”
“Good day to you and also to my penis.”
“Are all the women gone? Okay, let’s get to man business. First on the agenda: cat pictures.”