7 Superbowl Parties for People Who Don’t Watch Football

The European
Supplies: a good Merlot
1. Turn on the soccer match between Arsenal and Blackburn.
2. Do not turn on the Superbowl.
3. Occasionally comment on “that strange American game” in between sips of the Merlot.

The Mooch
Supplies: hundreds of barbecue wings, catered sandwiches, and a keg of Budweiser, all bought by other people
1. Your friend holds a party and invites dozens of people.
2. Track down all the invitations and eat them.
3. “Huh, you’re the only person who showed up, Randy. Well, we have all this food and nothing to do with it…
4. Wait no, come back Randy, the first quarter isn’t even done yet!”
5. Off to party #2…

The Sad Uncle
Supplies: lost dreams
1. Your uncle starts talking about that time he was almost recruited by Ohio State as a quarterback, but at the last minute he injured his left shoulder in the big game.
2. He takes a football and throws it across the room in a vain attempt to show he’s just as good as “that talentless hack Tom Brady.”
3. It breaks a lamp. He falls over and sobs.
4. The game isn’t even on.
5. No one else is there.

The Computer Scientist
Supplies: Wikipedia
1. Okay, what are we watching? The Superbowl? Oh okay, “The Super Bowl is the annual championship game of the National Football League (NFL), the highest level of professional American football in the United States, culminating a season that begins in the late summer of the previous calendar year.”
2. What just happened? A touchdown? “A touchdown is a means of scoring in American and Canadian football. Whether running, passing, returning a kickoff or punt, or recovering a turnover, a team scores a touchdown by advancing the ball into the opponent’s end zone.”
(several hours later)
176. Whoa, check this out. “Lost-wax casting sometimes called by the French name of cire perdue (from the Latin cera perduta) is the process by which a metal (such as silver, gold, brass or bronze) sculpture is cast from an artist’s sculpture. Intricate works can be achieved by this method, primarily depending on the carver’s skills.”
177. No wait, go back to History of Science in the Middle Ages.

The Goddammit Randy
Supplies: hundreds of barbecue wings, catered sandwiches, and a keg of Budweiser, your mooching friend Randy, several containers of laxatives
1. Fill wings, sandwiches, and beer with heavy laxatives.
2. Send a dozen invitations on rice paper to your friend Randy, so you know he’ll eat them and be the only person to show up.
3. “Huh, you’re the only person who showed up, Randy. Well, we have all this food and nothing to do with it…
4. Wait no, come back Randy, the first quarter isn’t even done yet!”

The Hipster
Supplies: arbitrary judgment
1. Dude, why are you watching the Superbowl, that’s lame.
2. Yeah it sucks, my mom is making me watch it so I can “experience popular culture for once.”
…
3. You know, maybe watching the most popular thing to watch is in its own way retro.
4. Yeah maybe… You know, this Madonna chick ain’t that bad.
5. Yeah who is she? I haven’t heard of her.
6. Look her up, is she popular?
…
7. Oh, dammit. Never mind, this all sucks.

The Wizard
Supplies: friends who don’t know anything about football or Roman numerals, wizard robe, Tivo
1. Bet money on the outcome of the game.
2. Turn on last year’s Superbowl.
3. Laugh when — WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE RANDY
4. I think I’m gonna hurl… I — I feel sick…
5. NO RANDY NOT ON MY WIZARD ROBE
6. OH GODDAMMIT