Lewis van Lewiston Breaks Up with Things

1. A Vacuum

I really like you, Vacky. I really like you a lot. You’ve kept my life clean these past few years. I remember the first day we met at Sears. It was magical. The way you hummed when I pushed you back and forth across the floor. But now, you know what, things have just… things have just started sucking! You know what, you suck, Vacky. You suck loads! You suck like it’s your job. But it’s not just you, I suck too. I don’t know how to say this, Vacky, but I’ve been seeing a Roomba over at Sharper Image. It’s not as clingy as you, you dirtbag. It won’t drain money from my credit card like you do. It doesn’t have all that fucking baggage. This is it, Vacky, I’m leaving you out on the curb!!!

2. His Own Echo

I really like you, Echo. I liked you from the day we met. The lovely timbre of your voice — it was almost like mine! The way you didn’t say too much. The way you gently repeated things in that soothing voice. I remember the first night I spent with you in the cave. We talked to each other for hours on all sorts of things. But recently, I just haven’t been able to handle this long-distance relationship. Wherever I am, you are just that much farther away. I want to find you, but you never tell me where you are. You just respond “where you are.” And that’s not fucking true, Echo. You’re also self-centered. Whenever I try to talk to you, you just say your name like some kind of Pokemon. Who even does that?! Well, good-bye Echo. I’m seeing someone else now. I bought myself a tape recorder. Good-bye forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…

3. The Lobster on His Own Dinner Plate

I really like you Lobstrina. I liked you from the minute I saw you. Your tanned red skin. Your cute black eyes staring back at me. Your delicious innards. Oh, Lobstrina, I can’t bear it! I was going to break up with you and start going out with the pan-seared tilapia, but I can’t! You mean too much to me! I want to stay with you forever, Lobstrina! Mmff. You’re so delicious, mmff mmm. I want you inside me, Lobstrina. Mmff. And I want you never to leave!