Leaked Pledge Trainer Blitz

Dear Prokaryotes,

Welcome to your first week in the house. You heard the rules last night, but most of you were too drunk on vespitro to remember. So to review: All meals are eaten together. Your socks can’t match. You have to tape a piece of a hair between your eyebrows to show our undying devotion to Frida.

But most importantly, I get your positive feedback. All of it.

You didn’t quite seem to get this last night, so here’s how it shakes down:

When you’re with your friends, just smile. When they ask what you’re thinking about, say you’re remembering a funny joke I made.

When you’re raising your hand in class and answering all sorts of questions like we expect, tell people that I’ve been tutoring you. Then when girls ask me for study help, teach me whatever subject it is so I look like a boss.

Feel free to cite me in papers.

When you score a basket, you lift a finger to the sky and thank me. When you finish a race, only drink gatorade with pictures of my face on it. And when you order burgers, ask if they can cut the crusts off like I used to for your peanut butter and cheese sandwiches.

Next Thursday we’ll be taking a trip to Montreal. You’ll be given a wrench, lighters, and a tank of kerosene. If you can’t get the Montrealese government to surrender to my name by morning, then you’ll all be captains of the 4AM track team. And no one gets pe credit for that.

My reputation is your top priority. If this doesn’t happen, better start filling up that vespitro tank. Because. you will. be drinking. a lot of. it.

Yours,
Big Tom