What the Founding Fathers Really Would Have Wanted

Benjamin Franklin

To declare every Wednesday “Whet Your Whistle* Wednesday” and make sure all children get equal opportunity to stick their fingers in outlets and wear lightning rods on their heads. This allows only the strongest and smartest of your bastard children to survive, making child support a lot cheaper and worthwhile.

*See Poor Richard’s Almanak slang definition of whistle. It’s not pretty.

Thomas Jefferson

To provide tax rebates for every American who designs and builds his own Fortress of Solitude where he can hide from nagging wives and write and drink and write and pore over issues of Ebony magazine. Free trial subscription of Ebony every time you register to vote.

Alexander Hamilton

To settle the gun control issue with a duel.

John Adams

To make the Adams Political Family a more recognized and revered name in the American conscious than that of the Addams Family. Efforts to do so might start with trying to be less buttugly than the Addamses.

James Madison

To buy Canada and practice war on it every once in a while. Go to actual war with everyone who makes eye contact with the ambassador at the United Nations and with Britain every time they act foppy.

John Jay

To star in his own reality show called the “US of JJ” with his supermodel wife, aspiring rap artist son, and daddy’s girl divatastic daughter. Become Ciroc spokesman. Summer in Cancun on the reg.

John Rutledge

Some recognition goddammit!

George Washington

To quietly enjoy John Grisham novels, have mayonnaise with every sandwich, own a loyal Golden Retriever named Buck. God that guy was boring.