Your Hurricane Sandy Survival Guide

Stay in your home. While your local organic coffee shop is closed, this will be the best place to tweet. Find a doorframe, or any wi-fi hotspot, and start tweeting about your survival experience. Stock up on canned goods, and look at them for inspiration. There are a lot of funny puns you can make about canned goods*.

Board up your windows. There can be no distractions as your lay bare your wit in 14o characters or less for hours on end. You don’t have to go to work today, and you’re already maxing sixty tweets a day there. Imagine how much tweeting you can get done at home.

IN CASE OF A WI-FI OUTAGE: Do not panic. Your phone’s 4G should still work.

4G DOESN’T WORK: Holy shit. Okay. Breathe. Do you see that book there? The big rectangle made up of thin rectangles. It should be yellow. Look for the cable company’s phone number in there. Call them and ask when they will drop everything and fix your wi-fi. Your followers are in agony, dammit!

3 HOURS AT BEST: Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Ummmmm…okay. What do you want to tweet? Count out the characters with tally marks scratched into your wall. Get your favorite pillow and “tweet” your tweet by whispering into it. Ha! There you go. Mr. Pillow thinks you are funny. He retweets it with a little pillow whisper to his friend Ms. Lampshade, who also finds it funny. Your tweet goes viral as Mr. Roomba, Mrs. Mug, Goldy the Goldfish, and Randy the Radiator all whisper back and forth your joke about how “evacuate” kind of sounds like “ejaculate.”

*But they’re all corny!