Last Supper Murder Mystery

INT. Banquet Hall

JESUS, 32, and the APOSTLES sit eating along one side of a long table. Jesus stands. The disciples silence to listen.

Jesus
Friends. I tell you now the truth. One of you will betray me.

The apostles gasp.

John
Who is your betrayer, my lord?

Paul
May he be banished from this banquet hall at once!

Jesus
I may not reveal my betrayer. Such is my fate.

Luke
Then we shall figure out ourselves.

Mark
Like a game?

Judas
(creepily)
Yes…like a game. A party game.

Paul
Brilliant, my lord! We shall drink of this wine and merrily bond over your murder mystery game.

Jesus
This is no game! One of you will send me to my death!

Judas
He lies!

Matthew
Ah, of course, Judas! Our lord is role playing! The game has begun!

Luke
What fun! Let us look under our place settings! One of us must bear the mark of the betrayer.

Jesus
No, that’s not how this works!

The apostles check under their plates. Judas follows suit, grinning at Jesus. Jesus can do nothing but seethe with anger.

The apostles put their plates down and playfully make suspicious eye contact with one another.

Luke
Everyone got it? Okay. Now we each give our alibis. Going this way. John.

John
I could not betray our lord to the Romans. I speak not their tongue.

Matthew
Hey, no one said anything about the Romans! John did it!

Judas
Y…yeah!

John
Why are you so quick to judge, Matthew? You are not without sin yourself, betrayer!

Jesus
Friends, stop!

Paul
Yes, let us not get worked up over a game. Remember we are having fun.

Jesus
We are not having fun, and we are not playing a game! I am going to die for your sins!

Mark
This pita dip must be a sin, because it’s to die for!

The apostles laugh in agreement and help themselves to pita dip.

THADDEUS enters the hall wearing a full Sherlock Holmes getup.

ALL
Thaddeus!

Thaddeus
That’s Detective Thaddeus! I heard about the awesome murder mystery Seder going on here. You schmucks start without me?

Mark
Sure did, doucheface!

Thaddeus
Mark, you cocksucker! I bet it’s you! I fucking bet it’s you!

The apostles laugh.

Luke
Okay, shut up, shut up. It’s Judas’s turn. Judas, go.

Judas
Uhh, it’s not me.

Luke
Yeah, too obvious. That’s no fun. Philip?

Jesus
This is ridiculous! I didn’t call you here to play a murder mystery game! I am going to die! You will break bread with me no more! This is the last meal of my tragically short life, and Judas is going to kill me!

All
(disappointed)
Awwww.

Two ROMAN SOLDIERS enter.

Roman Soldier
Jesus of Nazareth?

Jesus
Yeah what!

The soldiers whisk him away.

All
Yay!

End.

-Matt Garczynski ’14