Sit Down, Shut Up, This Is the Hazing Seminar

Alright everyone, sit down and shut up. You are not allowed to leave this meeting. I am running it. You will listen. This is the seminar on hazing. You will refer to me as sir and only sir and nothing else. We will go over how to recognize hazing, how to avoid it and how to report it. If you are joining an organization on campus, by law, they are not allowed to force you to do anything you do not want to. To join one of those organizations, you have to sit through and then pass this seminar. To start off, no groups can ridicule you or make you do anything that none of the other members have to do. Does that make sense? Hey, big nose? Did you hear me? Pizza Face, over there. Yeah, you. Could you get me a coffee? Hey. Move it, don’t just walk, or else I’m going to make you sit through this seminar again.

I’m going to have uh, let’s see, brace face. Yeah, could you bring that chalk over to me? Thanks babe. I’m now going to draw on the board some of the things that organizations like fraternities may force you to look at. Do not let them make you look at vulgar images. Take this vagina here that has a mustache. Look at it. Don’t let them make you look at it. That is hazing. And don’t let them make you look at things like this either. Look at this. This here is a penis with a swastika. They may make you look at offensive images. Don’t let them.

Pop quiz. Can organizations let you be blindfolded? Yes, you, uh Afro-Jack. Wrong answer, bub, now run three laps. Let that be a lesson to you. You are not allowed to wear blindfolds. That is hazing. Next question. Can they make you do chores for you? Yes, uh, you with the Jewish in the face. Wrong answer again, that’s twelve jumping jacks, and when you’re done, you gotta wipe the penis and vagina caricatures off the chalk board. Last question. Can they make you drink? Beady eyes, what’s your answer? Correct, but that was too easy. Now you look like a suck up. Ten pushups.

That ends the quiz round of this seminar. Before you go, I need to make sure that none of you have been hazed yet. So, everybody, right now I need you to get naked so I can inspect you for brandings or tattoos that organizations may have made you get. Ok, good. Oh, you know what? The lighting in here is pretty bad, let’s go across the street to the Strauss Lecture Hall. Everybody hold hands while you walk so that I don’t lose any of you. And make sure you are all singing. I don’t want anyone driving any cars to not hear you coming and accidentally hit you.

There, that’s it. Good. I think we’re gonna be alright after all.

-DZ ’16

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