Message in a Bottle

Dear Reader,

If, by some miracle, this letter has reached you intact, please heed the message herein. I am currently stranded on an island in the middle of the south pacific. I do not know the coordinates, only that the cruise ship that I was on flipped over halfway between Tahiti and Bora Bora. Do not tell my wife.

You see, she did not know that I went on a singles’ cruise. She thought that I was going on a business trip and if she finds out not only that I lied to her, but also that I went and got myself trapped on a tropical island, she would be so pissed. None of us want that. The cruise was awesome, by the way. A real life changer, and not even just because of the whole stranded on an island thing. Being surrounded by a bunch of desperate singles gave me the confidence boost I needed. It reminded me that I didn’t need to try to be someone else, I could just keep being me. Also, the sex was great.

Again, do not tell my wife. She would have a fit. Wives, am I right? Assuming this is a man with a wife, you know what I mean. If this is a young, heterosexual male, you will soon learn. And if this is my wife reading this, honey, disregard anything you have read up to this point. I swear none of that stuff is true. I did not go on that singles’ cruise. My plane to the consulting convention in Hawaii crashed. Phew. That was a close one. But seriously, send help if you can.

The cruise was broadsided by a huge wave in some choppy water and the boat flipped. I somehow floated to shore with what turned out to be most of the ship’s food and half of the crew. We have constructed a settlement that runs on more or less the same itinerary of the cruise ship. We ration out our food, water and medicine. Also every night we have karaoke. The margarita machine is starting to run out, though, so things are becoming desperate.

Dear reader, if you could somehow send help or at least some kind of helicopter drop off of more crushed ice and margarita mix, that would be great. I would ask that we be rescued, but at this point, I kind of don’t want to go home. I feel like my wife would just be ready to tear me a new one. Marriage, am I right? Once again, same rules apply. If this is Linda, I love you very much and anything you have read up until this point is just message in a bottle protocol. Phew

Seriously though, if you have the choice. Don’t get married. And go on singles cruises. They are sweet. Booze, boobs and babes.  What more can a man ask for? Once again, if this is Linda, a man can ask for many thinks such as a devoted wife with whom he can share his life.  That’s all a man needs. (Yada yada yada…) Send help, or at least some kind of party pack. Thanks.

-Hank “LimboFreak” Murphy

-DZ ’16