Birdwatcher-Watching: A Personal Guide

Ornitholology, or as it is commonly known, the study of the study of birds, has become a growing fad across the country. Thousands are flocking, pun intended, to whip out their binoculars and cameras to capture that curious and elusive creature that we have come to know as  “The Birdwatcher”.

How to spot them:

-Birdwatchers birdwatch, travel, eat, and live alone. They are very lonely creatures. That is why they resort to the boring, sad and unfulfilling lifestyle that is sitting on park benches for hours looking for glorified pigeons. If you see what you think to be a birdwatcher spending time with another human or humanoid, there is a very good chance that you are mistaken. Unless you are talking about my stepdad, Jerry, who is an avid birdwatcher and somehow got my mom to marry him.

-Birdwatchers are very dirty. They generally own only one pair of clothing, which is just an old track suit from his old high school basketball team that he’s always talking about. They normally don’t shower very often and smell really bad. Most birdwatchers may look or smell homeless. Jerry, for instance, technically isn’t “homeless” but I don’t really consider him a member of my family or a part of our home.

-Birdwatchers are known for their very strong features, namely ugliness. They rarely, if ever, are pleasing to the eye. I know I can’t look at or talk to Jerry for very long without getting angry, running to my room and slamming the door. He just doesn’t get it.

Good strategies and tips:

-Put up signs and send out notifications, emails and advertisements about recent rare bird sightings in your neighborhood. While this may seem like a nasty little trick, not only is it effective, but someone reduced to the status of birdwatcher is so used to disappointment in their life that another little one is but a mere drop in the bucket. Jerry got really excited when he thought there was a White-throated Needle Tail in the park. When he found out I had made the whole thing up he yelled at me, but I didn’t listen. I just kept playing on my Xbox.

-Turn on the television. Birdwatchers spend most of their time watching television because they lack any skills to do anything productive with their lives. But be careful. They never let you change the channel. Even when the only thing that’s on is tennis. Jerry probably doesn’t even like tennis. He just likes to watch it because he knows I don’t like it.

-Tell them that you have a large bag of Cheese nips. Birdwatchers love Cheese nips even though they’re supposed to be on a diet, according to my mom. How come Jerry can tell me to eat my vegetables when he doesn’t eat any of his? All he does is sit on the couch and stuff Cheeze-nips into his mouth. He’s not my dad and he never will be.

Best Places:

-The most obvious places to spot birdwatchers birdwatching are parks, forest reserves and camping grounds, but most of the time, they’re too lazy to leave the house and keep telling me the story of how in high school he made the winning shot for his team in the regional basketball championship of 1985. It was thirty years ago. Get over it, Jerry.

Rarest types:

-Healthy Birdwatchers: No one, not even experts who have dedicated their lives to birdwatcher-watching have seen a healthy looking birdwatcher to date. They have all been documented exhibiting such qualities as greasy skin, a soft physique, shortness of breath and poor hygiene. Jerry has high blood pressure and has to take a bunch of pills every morning. He’s so gross.

-Smiling Birdwatchers: They are generally very unhappy and angry things. Jerry is always angry and grumbling to himself about something. Jerry never smiles at me and I never smile at him.

-Nice Birdwatchers: Birdwatchers are generally very mean after a life full of regret. They take out their pent up resentment on me by yelling at me even though I didn’t touch the thermostat. I don’t even know what it is! Just because you won some stupid basketball game, doesn’t mean you’re king of the world, Jerry.

Good luck birdwatcher-watching! Don’t forget to bring some sort of birdwatcher repellant such as a heavy stick or bear mace in case they come too close to you. But be careful. I hit Jerry with a branch I found in the park and my mom yelled at me.

-DZ ’16