Onstage Divorces Inspire Millions

In contrast to the Grammy’s mass-marriage event during Macklemore and Madonna’s joint performance, 36 divorces were finalized on stage last night at the lesser-known Gaffer Awards. The event was emotional, reminding many that it’s time they all considered the beauty in suing that piece of shit they thanklessly cook, clean, and give the occasional reluctant blowjob to for everything he has.

“There are so many of us who go by unnoticed!” said live divorcee Jane Stern, “We may only represent 49% of the country’s couples, but we’re a beautiful 49%, and we’re proud to share the ends of our sexless, toxic marriages with the hundreds of people watching the GAs.”

Nominees and guests gave a standing ovation in support of the ceremonies, and the reviews were largely positive.

“We couldn’t be happier about this,” said nominee Tim Steinberg, “It really feels like a step in the right direction for America.”

Audience members could be seen tearing up, reminded of their own private pain regarding the adultery, verbal abuse, and lack of spontaneity they put up with year after year.

‘It reminded me that life is short, you know? We should all be able to express our lists of grievances and division of shared possessions with the world. It’s beautiful,’ said guest Mark Bradley. “Also,” he added, “my wife really sucks.”

Conservative critics expressed concerns over the ceremonies “turning” their children into bitter, litigious 30 and 40-somethings, but were reminded that the official endorsement of a C-list celebrity meant that it was cool now, and that “resentment is resentment,” no matter who you choose to tear apart your shared years and children’s future attitude toward commitment with.

-KS ’16