Fake Professor Wonders How Much Longer He Can Keep Up The Charade

John Réalguy, Professor of Philosophy, has been teaching at Dartmouth for over 5 years now. While addressing a class last Monday, Réalguy could be heard saying, “You all know I’m not a real professor right? Frankly I’m surprised you are all still going along with this.”

Réalguy recalls how 5 years ago he wandered into the Philosophy department looking for a bathroom. “I came across one that said “For Philosophy department use only” so I lied and said that I was a professor. Ever since then they have given me classes to teach. Let me be clear that I know absolutely nothing about Philosophy.”

Students in his class Philosophy 53: Thinking Hard, report that they have never received any homework nor taken a test. “At first I thought it was kind of strange,” said Sam Pentucky ’14, “but you have to admit the man knows his stuff. I’ve never heard ideas presented in this way before. It has changed how I look at the world.”

“After five years it’s hard to come up with this stuff everyday,” admitted Réalguy, “So my general lesson plan is just to turn on the news and say literally anything that comes to mind. Some days it’s a rant about how 9/11 was a lie. Other days it might be about how yoga pants could be the key to eternal salvation.”

Reviews of his class are always overwhelmingly positive with students commenting that he “challenged them like no other professor” and “presents ideas that no one else could even dream of.” He has had dozens of students, like Stacy Lively ’15, approach him to do research. “I remembered how sometimes in class he would go take a nap in the corner because he needed to “get over a hangover so he could think better.” Who else is going to teach you such practical skills?”

Réalguy notes that while it has been a great five years, it has been getting trickier to keep things going. “The backstory is always the hardest part. I have to be careful what I make up. I once accidentaly told people six different ways my aunt died so I have to remember that I have six different aunts.”

For Réalguy, teaching has become “the most fun hobby I’ve ever taken on. But who knows how long it will last?” As of the time of writing the process had begun for considering Réalguy for tenure.

JS ’16