Choose Your Own Adventure

On the quest for the Grail of Gondor, your fellowship decides to explore the Ferridian Caves. As you enter the first cave, you hear a slow creaking. Then a loud crack and you see the cave door violently shut. Falathar the Wise summons an illumination spell, which reveals not one, not two, but twenty armed goblins ahead of you. Like a wave the goblins charge…what do you do?

 

Do you A: Draw weapons and fight

B: Try to find a way out of the cave

C: Make out with Falathar the Wise

 

A. Are you sure you don’t want to kiss Falathar? It sounds way more fun than having to fight a whole bunch of stinky goblins. Well, I guess I’m not the one playing the game. Just so you know, they outnumber and overpower you. You all die.

B. You do realize that one of the options is kissing Falathar, right? He has a six-pack.  Okay… there is no way out and you all die.

C. You turn to your right and lock eyes with Falathar. His illumination spell makes the light coat of sweat on his face glisten. You reach out your hand to caress his cheek and the two of you, somewhat cautiously, move closer to each other. You lock lips for a moment before your tongues meet and embrace in the safe hollows of your mouths. He is timid at first, but after coaxing, becomes a playful little devil. Your eyes closed, you do not notice the goblins. They are astonished by such romance. The goblin leader, Kaalurthur the Star-King, raises his hand to his horde. They applaud before leading you out of the cave.

 

Your fellowship marches on through the steep terrain and eventually makes it to the bluffs of Knife’s Holt. However, the rope bridge to cross the gorge has snapped from years of harsh winds. Your only means of safe conveyance swings limply from the other side of the cliffs. What do you do to get across?

 

Do you  A: Have Falathar summon a courier spell to bring the bridge to your side

B: Find a climbing route

C: Take off all of your clothes, cover yourselves in body oil, and play-wrestle

 

A: This doesn’t sound like any fun, but hey, it’s your adventure. Falathar’s courier spell gets caught in the wind and accidentally drops a boulder on your group, crushing and killing you all instantly.

 

B: Have you read answer C yet? You’re still going to choose B? Okay. As you go climbing, you all, slip, fall and die.

 

C: You unbutton your cloak. Falathar and Graadlock cautiously follow suit. Tuurak Tam is stubborn at first, but after coaxing, eventually disrobes. Falathar grabs body oils from his rucksack and passes them around. Your group takes greedy handfuls before gently rubbing the oil all over your bodies. Graadlock begins to playfully throw a handful at Tuurak Tam, who splashes some back at him. Falathar grows eager and tackles you to the ground. Graadlock and Tuurak Tam jump onto the pig pile and the four of you merrily slip and slide your bare backs to and fro, this way and that, not knowing whose beard is where and which leg is what. Eventually Tuurak Tam rolls off of the ledge pulling the rest of the group with him. However, instead of fatally plummeting, your oily lubrication slides you safely down a rock face and over an upward slope that projects your party across the bluffs onto a soft, mossy bed.

 

You celebrate with more wrestling and Turaak Tam pins an exhausted Falathar. All of a sudden, the ledge begins to shake: an earthquake has started. What do you do?

 

Do you

A: Have an orgy

B: Continue hiking and then orgy.

C: Take a nice pre-orgy nap. And then have an orgy

 

The commotion of your raucous orgy knocks over a nearby rock revealing the Grail of Gondor. Congratulations. You have finished your quest.

 

 -DZ ’16