How to Avoid Catching a Cold in College: A Special Message from Dick’s House

Dear 18s,

Welcome to Dartmouth!  It’s the time of year again when you’ll probably notice many of your peers coming down with colds and other viruses. Please refer to the following guidelines to avoid catching a cold in the coming weeks:

1. Don’t matriculate.  The President’s hand is likely covered with dozens of germs that will spread to you as soon as you enroll at Dartmouth.
2. Don’t go to class.  Any number of students could have coughed on your desk before you got there.  And besides, most of your classmates will probably be too sick to notice you’re gone!
3. Become nocturnal. Being active only at night will reduce the time you spend around other students, lessening your chances of catching an illness from your peers.
4. Catch Ebola.  Distracted by symptoms such as projectile vomiting or uncontrollable bleeding, you’ll barely have time to notice your sore throat.
5. Protect yourself. Wearing a large plastic trash bag over your head will allow you spend the rest of your life in perfect health.
6. Live in the woods. By spending your first quarter of college in a smelly tent rented from the DOC, you’ll avoid all of the germs that your classmates are picking up in the dorms.
7. Become a vampire! (Vampires can’t get sick, right?)
8. Drop out of college. When it comes down to it, college is the root of all of your problems.  Save money AND avoid illness by leaving Dartmouth today!

We hope that the guidelines above will help to make your first quarter happy and healthy.

-The Dick’s House Staff

-AR ’18