Kale!

As kale soars up through the ranks of chic produce, infiltrating overpriced salad bars, the contemporary Instagram post, and self-promoting comments about just how life-changing that smoothie was, the Jack-O is here to provide helpful ways to bring more of America’s sexiest vegetable into your everyday life.

1.     Why stop at smoothies? Line your organic beer drafts, sprinkle it in your soy lattes. Never drink kale-lessly again.

2.     Fan mail? Fan kale! Send a couple of leaves to Lena Dunham.

3.     Fuck your family vacation photos, grandma’s ashes, and other mundane knick knacks—line your mantle with mason jars full of kale. Your visitors will ooh and ahh at your creative whimsy.

4.     Your mainstream perfume is a thing of the past. Rub yourself daily with kale and allow the potent scent of hip earthiness to follow you everywhere.

5.     Elbow pads.

6.     Stick it in your vinyl record player. All of your friends will be jealous of the fact that you were the first one to discover the soft and folky sound of kale.

7.     Use it to liven up your sex life! When things begin to get toasty between you and that special someone, whip out your handy bushel of kale.

8.     Make sure to mention kale during as many of your conversations as possible—after all, what’s the point of a kale-featured lifestyle if your friends and coworkers don’t know about it? Some helpful examples include “Did you hear about that serial killer over in Chicago? Reminds me of the kale I had with my cereal this morning,” and “that’s so sad, about your grandma… you know what else makes me sad? When I run out of kale.”

9.     Saw off both of your legs below the knee and replace them with prosthetics made of—you guessed it—kale! Could you be more cool and down to earth?!

10. Glue two kale leaves together and use it as a plate. Place a large bacon cheeseburger upon it. Wolf that cheeseburger down like the animal that you are and throw the kale away because we both know that it tastes like garbage and you don’t really like it that much anyway, you pretentious crunchy piece of shit.

-LK-P ’18