What Phil Hanlon Meant to Say in the Homecoming Email

Dear Members of the Dartmouth Community,

This weekend, our community will join together in the celebration of Homecoming. The Friday night bonfire marks the midpoint of a truly overwhelming week, featuring activities such as:

-Drinking cheap champagne while wearing expensive clothing

-Enduring claustrophobia while huddling in crowded rooms in the ongoing search for dubious alcoholic beverages

-An opportunity to finally smear paint on that boy you’ve been crushing on in your Bio class(or that other kid, you know, the one you hate?)

-Expanded access to Dartmouth’s network of traditional libations

-And more!

To be blunt: we are aware of the numerous possibilities this week of celebration entails, and we expect you to fuck up. As a prestigious institution, however, we must prioritize the safety of all people on campus, (from the blackout ’18 to the creepy ’65 loitering in your building); please make sure to fuck up only in moderation. This is for your safety (and our reputation).

President William Jewett Tucker hoped, in 1895, that Homecoming would be a celebration of Dartmouth and a promotion of unity. He was right; many of our female students will find and embrace their future best friends tonight, while drunkenly sharing too much about themselves in fraternity bathrooms. While the Homecoming parade does surely promote unity, I also mention it for another reason. Regardless of what your friends encourage you to do as you approach the bonfire, do not touch it. I repeat: do not touch the fire.

Speaking of the Class of 2018: As of yet, many of you may feel isolated from the greater Dartmouth community. With the new advent of programs such as the ban on attending Greek events, we have taken great pains to make this the case. Every year, we blindly hope that the newest class will make better decisions than the previous one; every year, we are wrong. But whatever you choose to do this weekend, you are still a part of this school, whether we like it or not. Whether you are blacking out in Russel Sage or sneaking into fraternities, please keep in mind the Good Samaritan policy, and try to keep your shenanigans quiet so the Huffington post doesn’t get wind of them. As I am sure you are all aware, we simply cannot afford another exposé at this point.

Homecoming week is an opportunity to celebrate and display all the best aspects of the Dartmouth experience, be that our dangerous and alarming traditional rituals or our impressive ability to imbibe excessive quantities of light beer.

tl;dr: When you inevitably make horrible choices this weekend, at the very least, please make them with Dartmouth pride.

-RS ’16