Jones Media Center Unveils New Porn Wing

The Jones Media Center has just unveiled its newest project: Jones Bones, an entire wing of the library devoted to adult videos.

“We strive to be relevant to Dartmouth students,” explains Jon Remy, librarian at Jones and head of the endeavor. “But students could never fulfill all their needs with our resources unless we swelled our selection. I knew we had to do something.”

The result? A sprawling new collection of X-rated new videos, with new titles like The Jizzard of Oz, Madame Ovary, and Star Whores: A New Grope. “We’ve created an atmosphere of inclusivity, so there’s something here for everyone,” Remy furthers.”Students are shocked by the size of our collection!”

So far, students love the new initiative. “It’s really a great opportunity,” says Jonathan Fritz, ‘17 who we found returning a copy of Exploring the Backdoor in Smell-o-Vision. “When I told my great-aunt I had already watched Sperminator 2, she was so jealous!”

We reached out to Rosie Palmer ‘15 in one of Jones’s new private viewing rooms: “I’m most surprised about the recency of their selections. I would’ve had to wait weeks to watch Bango Unchained online, but Jones already owns it! With instant classics like the Tongue-r Games: Snatching Fire and Twilight: New Poon, I haven’t left this room in 16 hours!”

The Jones Media Center seeks to supplement academics, and Jones Bones furthers this goal. James Reever ‘17 is already linking this exhibit to his major: “I had a long conversation with my Spanish professor after watching Wild Latina Girl’s Mayonnaise Party 6 and The Chode to El Whore-ado the other night. It really opened up a new level in our discourse. I can’t wait to meet with Professor Nishihawa about Kyoko and the Tentacle Monster tomorrow!

Others, like Naomi Wang ‘18, emphasize sharing the experience with others. “Nobody really talked to each other on our floor”, she explains. “but after watching Night of the Giving Head last friday we’ve really bonded. We already scheduled a second movie night with Shaving Private Ryan and How to Train Your Dragon 2!”

From the old classics like The Count of Monte Fisto and Catch’er in the Eye to newer works like Pacific Rimjob and The Game of Thrones, Jones Bones has made it clear: a new type of library is coming – hard

“Students are happy with our efforts,” Remy concludes, “and that’s really what it’s all about.”

In other news, still no word on the mysterious disappearance of all of Berry’s Tissue Boxes. 

-JR ’18