In Act of Retaliation, Rick Perry and His Band of Butt Pirates Lay Siege To Dartmouth

Rick Perry, insulted by provocative questions on Sunday, retreated to his Texas Ranch and rallied his merry band of Butt Pirates together to exact revenge. The large group has now come up the Connecticut River and its attack has begun.

“Arrrrgghhhh. Rick be very upset with the insinuations that he would have his jib go up the rear,” Said Perry’s head of Pirate PR, Simon Slackjaw. “We be coming up the Connecticut to show these here landlubbers not to mess with our Cap’n.”

“If anyone can talk about Rick’s booty, it’s us,” chimed in Redbeard, Perry’s 2016 Pirate Campaign Manager. “That be a joke. Because booty is both a pirate word and is related to all of the talk of anal sex.” He added.

“Arrgghhh.” Said many more of the crew mates, appreciating Redbeard’s joke. “To me, it be a matter of respect. There we arrrrggghhh, in a civilized debate, and some young skipper thinks he can disrupt our discourse for a little joke? That be a violation of courteous debate.” Said Perry’s Coordinator of Piracy and Strategic Planning. “Regaarrrgghhhdless of your political stance, you have to respect the voices of the other sides. That’s why we have to lay waste to this school. Also, we hear there be buried treasure.”

Perry could not be reached for comment for he was too busy putting his eye patch and on his buttplug in–in preparation for the siege.

 -DZ ’16