Rick Perry Thanks Ben Packer for Explaining Gay Sex to Him in Terms He Can Understand

While the media has focused on the disrespectful nature of the comments made recently at Dartmouth college, Rick Perry himself is thanking the group of protesters for explaining gay sex to him in terms he could understand.  “I’m a simple man,” says Perry.  “In Texas, we don’t like to use big words and liberal elitist vocabulary.  Peeny and poopy, those are Texan words, that’s the way the common man talks.

Perry explained that while he has always taken an anti-sodomy stance, he never actually knew what it was, and was just in too deep to ask.  “You know when your friends are talking about something, and you know that it’s something dirty, but you’re not gonna be the first one to straight up ask, so you just have to pretend you know what they’re talking about?  That’s kind of how it’s been with me and the other politicians.  What is sodomy?  Did anybody know before yesterday?”

“Honestly, when you put it in terms of peeny and poopy, that doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all.  This is what we were up in arms about?  Hoo hoos are just as icky as tushies.  Why is this something that politicians care so much about?”

Rick Perry is now planning on going on an apology tour to apologize for the offensive stance he has taken throughout the course of his political career.  He hopes that during a future Q and A, someone will explain to him what a union is.

-LB ’15