10 Signs That You Are the Assassin of Your Friend Group

1. You are great at keeping secrets.
2. People often tell you that you are fiercely loyal.
3. None of your clothing rustles, and all of your shoes have rubber soles.
4. You rarely speak of your personal history. Most of your friends aren’t sure what your last name is.
5. You have very few personal belongings. All your posters are hung up with blue painter’s tape.
6. Your morals have been called into question more than once.
7. You would do almost anything for money, especially if it’s under the table.
8. You move only under cover of darkness.
9. You are aware of more than 3,000 ways to kill a man using only a corkscrew.
10. It is after midnight. You enter his house silently, leaving no trace as you slide through the open window. Without so much as a rustle, you sneak into his bedroom. His slumber is deep, and he does not stir. With the finesse of an artist, you slit his throat across the jugular, as is your tradition. You move so quickly that he does not have time to cry out. The smell of his blood excites you. You’ve done this a thousand times, never with any less pleasure. You are immensely skilled at your craft. The mission has been executed seamlessly. You will not be seen here again.

-LH ’16