Dartmouth to Exclude Arsonists from Librarian Search

Last Thursday, the college announced that it would not consider arsonists in its effort to fill the three vacant librarian positions.

“Dartmouth College has over 4 million printed volumes across a dozen libraries,” said Mark McGrarian, the Chief Librarian.  “Our priceless collection spans hundreds of genres and thousands of years.  Each book is filled with rich history, valuable information, and extremely flammable pages.  We simply cannot take the risk of employing an arsonist to look after them.”

Professor Jean Fillenheim, Chair of the Chemistry Department, agrees with the college’s decision:

“Paper is essentially just strands of cellulose, an organic compound that burns very easily.  And books are essentially just piles of paper.  And arsonists are essentially just hydrogen dioxide with some carbon keeping it all together.  That’s all we are man: aqueous blobs.”  She paused to take a hit from her blunt.  “And our consciousness, our soul, whatever you want to call it, that’s just a bunch of chemical reactions going on inside that blob.”

Many members of the Dartmouth community, however, have voiced their opposition.  Tina Plumshare, the Vice-Provost for Academic Initiatives, has called the new policy “shameful”:

“It is outrageous that we are going to ban an entire group of people from even applying for this position.  Faculty diversity is critical for the education of our students, and this new restriction will shut the door on all self-identifying arsonists and the talent that they would bring to our college.  How is this happening in 2016?”

Plumshare also worried about the message it would send to the numerous arsonists currently under Dartmouth’s employment.  Tim Frylander, an arsonist who works at the Courtyard Café, fears for his job:

“It’s the beginning of the end,” he said while flipping a charred patty.  “They always go for the librarians first.  Next thing you know, they’ll be giving me a pink slip.  Just because of who I am.  Because of what I love.”  He shook his head solemnly.  “It’s prejudice, plain and simple.”

McGrarian, however, was quick to denounced this accusation:

“Let me be clear: I am not prejudiced against arsonists.  In fact, many of my best friends and colleagues are arsonists.  I just don’t want a repeat of what happened last month,” referring to the infamous “Baker Blaze” that cost three librarians their jobs.

At press time, Frylander was leading a protest in the Hopkins Center.  Firefighters say that the death toll has risen to 63.

CL ’18