Remote Control Tackling Dummy Checks into Rehab after fall from Stardom

It was a brisk morning when a new patient was wheeled into the drug rehabilitation clinic at the upper valley wellness center and to any fans of Big Green football it was a recognizable face. It was the acclaimed concussion reducing tackling dummy, but he looked dilapidated, so far from his highs of the season.

“The highs of the season were nuts,” admits the dummy at a interview outside of the clinic, “going undefeated at home, winning Ivies, smoking a fatty backstage with Steven Colbert and watching nine episodes of planet earth after I was on his show. But after the season ended, work dried up.” Unfortunately the dummy was only months old when this happened, “When partying is all you know it’s a hard thing to stop,” said the dummy who admitted to us that he was hooked on some pretty hard drugs. “I was built for one purpose, to reduce the risk of significant head injuries sustained at football practices, but at some point I found a new purpose, hookers and blow.” Initially he was able to sustain this lifestyle, but soon what little money he had left had all been wasted on street drugs. “I had to sell my body for drug money,” he admits. “I would take people into back alleys, take off my jersey, and for two dollars I would let them charge their iphones for as long as they wanted.”

Third year engineering student Tim Charles, still holding the dummy’s controller, refused to comment.

JR ’19