Introducing the New IT System to the Company

Hi Enerva employees, today we begin the update of our IT system that system will help to move our company fully into the cloud while expanding our investment opportunities worldwide. We hope this IT system will move us fully into the 21^st century. A 21^st century of exciting opportunities. Like rapid advances in artificial intelligence. Machines that can do complex tasks for themselves. Maybe, oh god, machines that can replace us. Maybe they’ll be machines that want to destroy us! But, until then, and for the next month, I’m afraid you’ll need a USB connection to the printer for it to work.

After this obstacle is overcome, we will be closer to living in a new world with improved videoconferencing capabilities. But it will also be a world of terror, when heartless bionic supermen hunt the weak remainder of the human race.

In this time, much will be demanded of you, employees, your own blood, your enemies blood, your children’s blood, and everyone will have to change their passwords. Everyone.

But once that blood flows in the streets and our accounting team can share documents remotely, we shall have victory.

For, in this state of anarchy, who else will provide stable, affordable online storage. Who? When the Chinese seize The White House and overthrow this decadent American regime, it sure won’t be your precious President, that’s for sure.

You know what, this IT system isn’t just going to take us into the 21^st century, this is the 21^st century. When the imperfections of humanity are washed away only the purity of an intuitive IT system with a better email interface can replace it. But that means we’re all switching to Firefox people.

Fuck it, this IT system is not just the 21^st century, this IT system will be the 22^nd century, the 23^rd century, it will be all of eternity, it will be move through the fabric of the universe like some celestial being that spans a dozen dimensions.

We will overcome death and time. We are become Gods.

Also, make sure you have the newest java. Its 5.39, not 5.38.

Sincerely,

The Enerva Leadership Team

-CB ’19