That Cute Girl From Your Geography Class Is Stealing Your Ribs

I’m just kidding.  But what if she was?

Hi, my name is Dick Crispit, and I’m here to look after your ribs.  Ever glance down at your chest and watch as your fragile internal organs jiggle around inside the shapeless, unprotected blob that is your torso?  No?  Exactly.  You can thank your ribs for that.

The Latin word for “ribs” is “costae”.  Now I know what you’re thinking: “Dick, that’s a fun piece of trivia, but the Romans went extinct millions of years ago.  What could I possibly learn from them?”  To which I say, “Listen up you turtle-faced cum stain.  You think the past is in the past?  You think you’re too cool for history?  Well you’re either going to learn it or be doomed to repeat it, so how about you put down those two iPod Nanos you’ve been using to jerk yourself off AND SHOVE THEM UP MY ASSHOLE!”

We all know rib theft happens, but we never think it will happen to us.  People on the West Coast say it only happens on the East Coast.  Well you know what the people on the East Coast say?  Nothing, because someone stole their ribs so their chest cavity collapsed and their spinal cord punctured both their lungs.  The people on the West Coast were right.  Good work people on the West Coast.  You’ve done your homework, and you get to keep your ribs.

So let’s put things into perspective.  Inevitably, that cute girl who sits across from you in Geography will block you on Facebook because she’s sick of you commenting “Wish I was there!” on her photos from her eighth grade family vacation to Rehoboth Beach.  Sure, you’re going to be devastated.  Sure, your heart will sink to your stomach.  But at least it won’t literally sink to your stomach, tearing through the mucous membrane of your stomach wall and causing gastric acid to flood into your abdomen and eat away at your liver while your heart is slowly digested and pushed through your intestines over the course of the next 24 hours until you excrete it.  That’s right, you will shit out your own heart.  I’m no cardiologist, but I’m pretty sure this will be a significant blow to your circulatory system.

But, again, this will never happen.  Your sturdy rib cage will always prevent such a dramatic cardiac migration.

I’m sure you have a lot of questions, like “Dick, why do you look exactly like that cute girl who sits across from me in Geography?” or “Dick, why is there blood pouring out of my thorax?” or “Dick, why do I have fewer ribs than I did at the beginning of this conversation?”  All great questions.  Let’s just say, I have a bone to pick with you.

24 bones, to be precise.  😉

-CL ’18