Housing Communities Accidentally Sort Students by Race

Following the announcement of next year’s housing community placements, both students and faculty were surprised to discover that the clusters were almost entirely sorted by skin color.

At eight o’clock on Friday, bright-eyed freshman arrived at Founder’s Day in socioculturally-diverse schmobs. Two hours later, they left the library decked in house t-shirts and mired in the reality of racial segregation.

“When I chose my housing group last fall, I picked my friends Maria, Jamal, and Siddharth,” freshman Tucker McDonald said. “But for some reason, Maria is in North House, Jamal ended up in Allen House, and I’m in one called Non-Hispanic White House.”

McDonald then said that, though he was disappointed to be living away from his friends next year, he was glad that his house had the newest, nicest rooms.

Guadalupe Chan, a mixed-race student, said that she was not sorted into any house at all, and instead was told that she could create her own LLC.

The administration could not explain why the housing clusters were segregated, though school spokesperson Stacey Ferguson said that it wouldn’t matter, as the quality of the houses was “separate but equal.”

Some speculate that the segregation may have resulted from a sorting questionnaire sent out to students, which asked questions such as, “Do you play squash?” “If you were caught with marijuana, would you go to jail?” and “What was your SAT score?”

Already, signs of segregation are appearing on campus. Students wear their house colors with pride, though the administration has expressed regret for their decision to distribute different-colored bandanas as “house swag.”

Administrators have banned students from wearing red, the Allen House color, as this cluster began a turf war and gave its members teardrop tattoos. Allen House is currently rumored to be planning a “rumble” with School House.

On the bright side, however, students have already become active in planning activities within their houses. West House recently had a bake sale, North House held a concert, and the Non-Hispanic White House plans to host a GOP presidential debate next week.

–LT ’19