Ted Cruz suspends campaign, descends to underworld

Following a crushing loss in Indiana, Senator Ted Cruz announced today that he will be suspending his campaign and returning to his home in the darkest corner of the underworld.

The junior Senator and spawn of Satan made the announcement in Bloomington, Indiana tonight, just after Donald J. Trump won the pivotal Hoosier State primary. Following his statement, Cruz opened a portal into Hell and descended into its fiery depths.

Speech attendants said they were surprised by Cruz’s decision to suspend his campaign, if not by the realization that the former Texas Solicitor General was actually a creature of the underworld.

“Right after Cruz said he was planning to take a break from the campaign, a giant fiery pit opened up in front of the stage,” Bloomington resident Matt Davidson said. “His body began to transform into some kind of monster—it definitely wasn’t human.”

Davidson added that this did not come as a shock, as he sometimes doubted that Cruz was human to begin with.

“There was always something a little off with Cruz. His face always looked like it didn’t fit right,” Davidson said. “So when his skin started to melt off as he enveloped himself in the swirling darkness of a hell pit, I kind of took it in stride.”

Mary Ellison, another witness, says that Cruz’s descent to the underworld began with him uttering what sounded like a cross between a Latin chant and a policy speech. Phrases such as “family values,” “illegal aliens,” and “death to John Boehner” were peppered in amid ancient Satanic orations.

“It was way more interesting than the rest of his speech,” Ellison said. “And it really got exciting when shadowy, faceless figures began rising from the ground. They surrounded Cruz and pulled him into the pit. There was fire everywhere, and also blood.”

Just a few minutes after Cruz descended to the House of Hades, the lava-filled abyss closed. All that was left was Cruz’s discarded suit, the overpowering smell of sulfur, and several dead goats.

Carly Fiorina, who Cruz recently named as his running mate, also descended to the deepest level of the Inferno. The former GOP candidates said they plan to rule the underworld together, now that they are unbound from the constraints of the human form.

As of press time, Cruz and Fiorina were trapped in Purgatory after the gatekeepers to Hell said they did not want the two politicians there.

-LT ’19