Karen I know you’ve caught the “craft bug” ever since Todd left, but you have to stop inundating me with mason jar crafts. My house is rife with mason jar twinkle-lights, mason jar soap dispensers and at least a baker’s dozen of mason jar snowglobes. Karen, it’s July. I’ve tried to let you down nicely. I’ve insisted that I feel uncomfortable accepting presents from my dental hygienist but you think I’m just being polite. That’s because when you asked me whether you should convert Todd’s old office into a craft room or a yoga studio, you thought I said “craft room”. But really what I said was, “I can’t articulate my thoughts because your sad, middle-aged hands are taking up all of the space in my mouth”. It’s really affecting your job performance. You were supposed to send me my x-rays because I have a shadow on my second lateral incisor, but instead you just sent me a mason jar dollhouse. You know I can’t let Brynleigh play with that. For Christ’s sake Karen, she’s a hemophiliac. What are you doing? Please put that instrument down. We went over this already, I don’t care if those glass shards came from a mason jar. I want you to use the periodontal probe that is approved by the American Dental Association. I don’t know what I can do to get you to stop. I tried to be direct. When I mustered up the strength to tell you to “stop making me mason jar crafts,” you just looked at me blankly and said, “it’s so lonely not having Jayden on Wednesdays and every other weekend”. Maybe Jayden would have chosen to spend Passover at your house if you hadn’t replaced his X-box with a mason jar replica. I don’t know if I can handle this kind of baggage every time I come in for a cleaning. The people at Appleton Orthodontics don’t.. wait..Karen stop crying. I’m sorry! You’re right, Todd’s new girlfriend is totally tacky. And yeah, I mean I guess I could use a couple mason jar baby rattles. And you’re right, I should be flossing more. Of course I’ll take a look-see at your JDate profile! I agree-linking it to your Pinterest would make you seem more dynamic. Remember, the darkest hour comes before the dawn. Ok, I’ll see you at bookclub.
-EB ’19
Discover more from The Dartmouth Jack-o-Lantern
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Be the first to comment on "Karen, It’s Time To Cool It With The Mason Jars"