Baker Tower Renovated to Cast Invisibility Spell Over Webster Ave.

The administration confirmed this week that Dartmouth’s historic Baker Tower is currently under construction to include updated copper roofing, a new digital clock system, and a powerful spell that completely hides all 23 Greek houses from view.

“We knew the tower would have to be restored at some point,” said President Phil Hanlon of the structure that is under renovation for the first time since its construction in 1928, “But following recent controversy about the Greek system, we also saw this as a convenient opportunity to obscure one of the main problems with our campus climate.”

Although it remains to be seen how much Dartmouth’s culture will truly change with the fraternities and sororities now invisible to the human eye, the disappearance of Webster Avenue has already caught the attention of several visitors to campus.

“When we took a tour of Dartmouth this Monday, the guide definitely referred to his experience with the Greek system,” said Linda Harrison, whose high school daughter plans to apply this year, “But when we got past the math building, he just gestured toward some unmarked woods and then switched to talking about dining options.”

“It actually makes leading tours so much easier,” remarked Harrison’s guide, Randy Stevens ’18, whom the admissions office had previously trained to divert visitors’ attention from Webster Ave. by pointing out cool birds in the distance or passing out blindfolds, “Now when I get questions about Greek life, I’m just supposed to smile and act like I have no idea what people are talking about.”

So far, social life on campus has continued as usual, but Hanlon remains hopeful that things will really fall into place next month, when six high-intensity beams will be installed in the tower to illuminate the college’s new house communities.

-AR ’18