Residents of Shitty Dorms Wish They Were the Ones Forced to Relocate in Tragic Fire

After a fire in Morton Hall forced 70 students to find new housing this weekend, residents of older, less desirable dorms on campus reportedly hoped that their homes, too, would be destroyed in a terrible accident that would cause them to relocate to some other building.

“I know the people in East Wheelock lost a lot of their stuff, and that’s sad,” said Colin Murray ’20 of the four-alarm fire that caused a massive disruption to the lives of a large group of students, “But after living in the River Cluster for the last four weeks, even a repurposed study room in another dorm would be a step in the right direction.”

Sources confirmed that some mysterious and dramatic measures have already been taken to make certain dorms more susceptible to fire damage. Several smoke detectors in Bissell Hall were found with their batteries completely missing, while multiple fire extinguishers in French were tampered with or stolen.

According to Katie Portman ’20, who sent a cryptic blitz to residents of her dorm warning them not to be home between 4 and 5 this Thursday, losing her most valuable possessions would be a small price to pay for a chance at temporarily moving out of Brown 201A. “I don’t care if I lose my favorite books or my clothes are permanently smoke damaged,” the freshman stated confidently, “I’d even give up the quilt my grandma knitted for my bed. Just please let this ‘accident’ get me out of the Choates.”

At press time, residents of McLaughlin were safely adhering to fire code.

-AR ’18