Biden Refuses to Leave White House

WASHINGTON—“Barry, can you fuckin’ believe this guy?” began Vice President Joe Biden’s impromptu speech at yesterday’s White House End-of-Term Bash, report inside sources. “What’s he think he’s doing here? He just came into my room this morning with some guys and started taking out all my stuff. My Pac-Man machine, the Harley-Davidson alarm clock on my nightstand. Even my box of Magnums,” he added, winking at an unnamed female staffer.

In a later interview, President Barack Obama reported that he tried and failed to mollify Biden. He explained, “I was just trying to tell him that our term was up, and that President Trump was moving in. ‘I know it’s hard, Joe,’ I said, ‘but we knew coming in that we wouldn’t be here forever. Okay?’ But he wouldn’t even look at me. He just kept shaking his head and repeating, ‘Nobody does that to Cowabunga Joe. Nobody.’”

As of press time, Biden had locked himself in the Vice President’s Office in the West Wing, with a piece of paper reading “JOE’S ROOM! KEEP OUT!” taped to the door. He was unavailable for comment.

– ZQ ’19