Report: Your missing fracket doesn’t want you back

Each weekend night, Dartmouth students’ Facebook feeds are flooded with emotional requests for the return of a lost jacket. Students often discuss the phenomenon of the fracket, and whether this system is practical to unethical. Regardless, a very important voice has been missing from the conversation:

What do the jackets think?

The Jack-O-Lantern launched an investigation of claimed and unclaimed frackets around Dartmouth College, and found a significant result: 72% of polled frackets expressed either “negative” or
“strongly negative” feelings about their owner.

“We’re obviously being used,” explained turquoise puffy W. Mart. “It’s a sad, nomadic life we’re living. Anywhere else a jacket is a valued possession, but here we are disposable. I’ve changed hands three times now, but each owner is the same. Well, I guess #2 washed me, but he put me in the dryer too. And my label clearly says ‘hang to dry.’”

“I wasn’t made for this,” reported a tearful C. Goose found in BG. “Jackets like me are for KAF lines and arctic expeditions and walks across the snowy green. I’ll never forgive Jessie for wearing me out last weekend.”

On the subject of Facebook posts, S. Army urged his peers not fall for the emotional pleas. “I came from a nice, loving household, so being picked up from the thrift store by that Macklemore-wannabe Kevin really sucked. Being tied up, stuffed under a GDX couch cushion, and drenched in Keystone wasn’t my idea of retirement. When I got left behind one night though, Kevin’s Facebook post gave me hope. He wrote to his class, telling them that he missed me, that I was important to him, that I was a present from his mother. But after we were reunited, guess where I spent the next weekend?! Hung on a curtain at Sig Ep!”

Fellow vintage warmup jacket Lost. N. Found agreed. “Our worth can’t be expressed in a price tag or a sappy Facebook post. I think that’s an important message for jackets and jacket wearers alike.”

When asked if she had a message for her former owner, green fleece K. Mart gave a passionate response. “Charlotte, I hope you lose your sweater at Alpha Chi this weekend. And when you do, I hope your keys are in the pocket!”

– SA ’20