Campers announce plans to be literally everywhere this week

In an address to the Dartmouth population between lunch and dinner FoCo meal times on Friday, campers announced their intentions to be in every imaginable corner of campus this week.

A representative for the middle school and high school-age campers laid out a strategy that includes speaking loudly in the library; playing basketball at the Choates; and wearing matching string backpacks for the remainder of the summer.

“On behalf of all the campers here, I want to let Dartmouth students know that every time they enter FoCo we will be there, with a plate of pizza in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other,” said 12-year-old science camper Jackson C., addressing the crowd as he played with his fidget spinner. “Rest assured that you won’t be able to get a spot on the Dark Side without being surrounded by dozens of short, raucous children gorging themselves on tenders.”

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Sara R., a 15-year-old volleyball camp attendee, confirmed that Dartmouth students should expect to see campers on the green at all hours of the day and night.

“We’ll always just be there,” Sara R. said. “Sometimes we’ll be sitting in a big circle, though there’s also a good chance that you will encounter us throwing a Frisbee really badly and almost hitting you as you walk to class.”

Campers confirmed that they will continue the practice of moving around campus in large, lethargic crowds that take up the entire sidewalk, creating a near-impassible barrier that will force you to slow down your walking pace.

“I intend to walk everywhere in a group of thirty 16-year-old boys, and we will all be carrying lacrosse sticks,” lacrosse camper Taylor M. said. “If you pass by us, we will flail our lacrosse sticks out to the side and force you off the sidewalk. We will also be sweaty.”

Taylor M. added that, while he plans to spend time drinking chocolate milk in FoCo, he also will at some point go to Collis and be confused.

“I’ll wander around near the eggs for a while, then cut you in the stir fry line,” Taylor M. said. “If I have time I might also order a smoothie that only contains bananas and soft serve, and I’ll stare at you while I drink it. Then I’ll go downstairs to 8 Ball Hall and not even play pool but just sort of roll the balls around while blasting that annoying Lil Uzi Vert song.”

Debate camper Madison S. outlined her plans to spend most of the day spinning around in the chairs on FFB along with at least six other campers. Madison S. added that she and her friends will wear matching lanyards, t-shirts, and plaid Bermuda shorts at all times.

At press time, the campers confirmed that if you encounter any of them, they will look at you as if you’re the one who isn’t meant to be here.

– LT ’19