Male Undergraduate Wearing Two Pink Garments in One Outfit Almost Certainly Has Enormous Penis

In spite of long-standing cultural norms associating the color with femininity and womens’ fashion, Dartmouth senior James MacLaren spent the entire day Wednesday in a casual summertime getup containing two separate pieces of pink clothing, all but confirming that MacLaren has an unthinkably massive penis. The outfit — an unbranded hot pink ball cap and a light pink Vineyard Vines T-shirt atop a pair of blue chino shorts– not only represented a substantial departure from MacLaren’s typical earth-toned garb, but also made it clear to onlookers that this man has the confidence in his sexuality that can only come from being hung like a triple-crown thoroughbred.

“I mean, James took a risk with that outfit on Wednesday,” said Jed Kelly, one of MacLaren’s fraternity brothers. “But damn, he didn’t look insecure at all out there — he rocked all those girly pink shades with pride. Probably has to keep his dick coiled up like a boa constrictor down there! What a legend.”

One anonymous Dartmouth sorority member also sounded off on the outfit, telling Jacko reporters, “Look, if there’s anything that exudes masculine sexual confidence, it’s got to be wearing a predominantly pink outfit unironically in public. And the only guys that can do that are the ones who know they’re packing a fucking pool noodle in their shorts.” Later in the interview, the unnamed source concluded, “Realistically, if you’re a guy and your schlong can’t be used for double-dutch, you’re just not going to have the gall to wear two pink items at the same time.”

At press time, two male Jacko researchers and a representative from the Guinness Book of Records requested a meeting with MacLaren to confirm the nearly inconceivable enormity of his genitalia; unfortunately, MacLaren explicitly refused the request, insisting that he “didn’t want to make anyone feel bad.”

– SB ’20