Students Of College Where Everyone Touches Each Other And Drinks From The Same Gross Cups Surprised Disease Is Spreading

Recent health reports from Dartmouth college have revealed that, in a shocking turn of events, an outbreak of the coxsackie virus, colloquially known as “hand-foot-and-mouth disease,” has been spreading among the student body, members of whom regularly partake in activities such as drinking from shared cups of unknown origin during pong and making out with each other’s mouths.

“I can’t believe this is happening here,” said Colin Manning ‘19, who the night before had eagerly chugged from a handle being passed around his friend’s dorm room before hooking up with another student he had met hours before. “I really hope I don’t catch it. I’ve been washing my hands before every meal just in case.”

“This is totally crazy,” reported Sarah Cove ’21. She paused to take a bite of the salad she had gotten from the Collis salad bar, previously breathed on by approximately everyone at Dartmouth, with a vile spork she had not washed in probably several days. “We really need to be careful.”

We also had the opportunity to speak to Trevor Fass ‘20, who had unfortunately contracted HFMD and recently had begun exhibiting symptoms. “I don’t know how this happened to me,” said Trevor, who four nights before had shaken hands with the 50 prospective brothers shaking out at his fraternity before holding table for six games straight and definitely hasn’t washed his hands since. “We’re closing down our frat for the next few nights, just in case,” added Jake Bloomberg, his friend and fraternity brother, before ripping Trevor’s Juul.

When asked about prevention methods, Kate Gelber ’19 was eager to speak up. “I’m trying really hard not to get it,” said Kate, a Chemistry major who has pulled two all-nighters in the past week and whose diet the day before had consisted of yogurt, Collis pasta, and beer. “I take a Vitamin C supplement every day.”

A message from Dick’s House has since been released, recommending that to avoid contracting the disease, students should wash their hands frequently, avoid contaminated surfaces, and stop being so goddamn disgusting.

– L K-P ’18