Whether dressed as witches, ghosts, or ghouls, the Class of 2022 indiscriminately showed their true commitment to spooky season as they died en masse this past Wednesday.
Frat row was sent into nothing short of a tizzy as, at the stroke of midnight, every single freshman dropped dead. Witness to the scene August Thompson ’20, commented, “I’d never seen such a deep love of Halloween! Really top-notch shit – my brothers and I have been clearing bodies from the basement for the past day – black plague style.”
Original suspicions pointed toward excessive alcohol consumption as the coincidental cause of death; however, 1,169 autopsies at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center confirmed that it was rather the all-consuming, life shattering love of the Spooktacular spectacle that is Halloween.
College President Phil Hanlon refused to comment, but inside sources suggest that he is, “Super fucking relieved he doesn’t have to deal with the housing crisis.”
– OG ’22
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