Did The Dartmouth Review Actually Say This Within the Past Five Years, Or Are We Just Fucking With You?

The Dartmouth Review, unaffiliated with Dartmouth College, was founded by a group of conservative Dartmouth students disillusioned with The Dartmouth in 1980. Known for producing Dinesh D’Souza, Laura Ingraham, and an extended “Controversies” Wikipedia subsection, the Review has a storied history of inflammatory work. What has the Review been up to in recent years, however?

Keep track of your answers as you go!

1. “WHITE TEARS: Fornicate with them.”

2. “Some shots later, we were ready to go, exuding an “Asian glow” and the flimsy confidence of anxious freshmen women who have no idea what they are getting themselves into.”

3. “Judging by the muffin tops at [Dartmouth Upperclasswomen’s] waists, such a night was for these two a matter of routine. Although I didn’t envy their figure, I did admire their game.”

4. “[The Hovey Murals’] existence immortalizes a simpler time when the men of Dartmouth were allowed to remain, boys, unburdened by the complexities of the past.”

5. “If these cultural Marxists [College Administrators] ran the world, The Creation of Adam would be painted over for its lack of female representation, the Mona Lisa would be destroyed because its unrealistic smile is not representative of all women, and van Gogh’s The Starry Night would be burned for being offensive to the blind.”

6. “Kanye West has taken the Red Pill, and the Matrix falls to nothing around him. The Truth is out.”

7. “Kanye has left Plato’s cave; he is a free thinker and a free man.”

8. “Why did Asgard suddenly become racially “diverse” in the recent Thor movies, with a strange ensemble of black, white, and Asian characters with few matching extras, while Wakanda remained an all-black nation?”

9. [Of Star Wars: The Last Jedi ] “Rose Tico portrayed by Kelly Marie Tran added a bit of diversity to the main cast, but at what cost.”

10. “Institutionalized racism does indeed exist—in the form of the practice called ‘affirmative action.’”

11. “Enter Milo Yiannopoulos. He is every bit the character that Trump, whom he calls “daddy,” is. The key difference, however, is that Yiannopoulos is personality driven by principle.”

12. “Social Justice Warriors use phrases like “diversity,” “inclusion,” “empowerment,” “representation,” “equity,” or “historically oppressed groups.” These phrases may seem innocuous, confusing, or even positive to those who have been successfully indoctrinated, but really, they represent a new form of dog whistling.”

13. “Take the creeping influence of third-wave feminism, which is spilling over to mainstream society despite its incongruence with biology and reality.”

14. “Kanye West specifically says that black people need to forgive white people for slavery. This is a radical idea to say the least, but one that is closely tied to the Christian ideal of forgiveness for all loving both your neighbor and your enemy.”

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Answers:
Literally all of these are actual quotes from The Dartmouth Review, all written recently and currently prominently featured on their website. Presumably each one came from an article that was pitched to a group of current Dartmouth students, written by a student, and then approved by the student editors.

What’s that? Are you sad now? You want a joke? You thought this article was going to be funny and now you are grappling with deep uncomfort about your inability to reconcile your shock and anger about the beliefs of your fellow students with your instinct to foster dissenting opinion on campus? You feel the volatile and irreconcilable chasm between the ideologies of this country widening? Tomorrow when you go to class or to the frats you are going to look around at your peers and wonder which one of them secretly agree with all of this?

Me too. Lol. Yikes.

– IC ’22

Sources:
1. http://www.dartreview.com/the-reviews-discombobulation-guide/
2. http://www.dartreview.com/greek-life-a-freshman-girls-take/
3. http://www.dartreview.com/greek-life-a-freshman-girls-take/
4. http://www.dartreview.com/murals-of-old-dartmouth/
5. http://www.dartreview.com/murals-of-old-dartmouth/
6. http://www.dartreview.com/black-thoughts-matter/
7. http://www.dartreview.com/black-thoughts-matter/
8. http://www.dartreview.com/opinion-progressive-dog-whistling/
9. http://www.dartreview.com/stahel-says-the-last-jedi/
10. http://www.dartreview.com/the-problems-of-affirmative-action/
11. http://www.dartreview.com/in-defense-of-milo-yiannopoulos/
12. http://www.dartreview.com/opinion-progressive-dog-whistling/
13. http://www.dartreview.com/in-defense-of-milo-yiannopoulos/
14. http://www.dartreview.com/black-thoughts-matter/