Hanlon Assures Students Dartmouth Will Pay Exactly How Much This Whole Sexual Assault Thing Costs But Not One Sixpence More

In an email to members of the Dartmouth Community last week, President Phil Hanlon ’77 demonstrated his commitment to fixing that whole sexual assault oopsie. “We will devote the resources needed to fix this issue,” he said, “but only that much. Money’s tight, you know?”

“As senior leaders, we will commit the resources and energy required to overcome the biases and barriers that women and many others face on our campus,” the email said. “Not that as white male senior leaders, any of us would know about the barriers that face women and many others on our campus. And we won’t be asking them.”

President Hanlon is always willing to talk about these important issues and is glad to engage in thoughtful dialogue, unless, like, you’re mad about it, you know? “We are confident that by working together, Dartmouth can be a place where—without exception and across all disciplines—members of our community can advance their careers in a campus-wide environment that is productive, nurturing, professional, and supportive,” the email said, using as many words as possible to say basically nothing, setting a new record among academics.

If you have thoughts about this whole sexual assault thing, definitely write them down but please God don’t talk about them to anyone. How would that help anyhow?

– CC ’21