In Effort To Impress Students, Professor Begins Cursing

Sources confirm that Biology Department professor Monica McFadden took things much too far after swearing to impress her Biology 54 students.  After dropping a casual “ah shit” after an embedded video failed to play from her slideshow, McFadden noticed a distinctly positive response from the room.

“Yeah, I saw how their faces lit up when I swore a bit and seeing the smiling faces on these precocious young adults is exactly the kind of thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. So I figured fuck it—go big or go home, right?” explained Professor McFadden.  McFadden’s decision, however, was met with mixed student reviews.

“The slideshow screw-up was the beginning, and it was awesome. When Professor McFadden swore a bit in class, it really made her seem more approachable—more human, you know?” said biology student Jason Mitchell ’21, “but it wasn’t long before she saw her success and took it seriously too far.”

Sources report Professor McFadden greeted her students the next day by yelling “what the fuck is up, motherfuckers? Ready to rip this biology shit?” and gestured with her hands as if to “raise the roof”.  McFadden then opened a slideshow on bacterial cell properties and began a profanity-laced lecture about how “these fuckers have 2 goddamn cell membranes! TWO!” and how “eukaryotes don’t have shit on bacteria, let me fuckin’ tell you.”

“Yeah that’s where things got really wild.  At the beginning of the week, Professor McFadden was swearing about as much as Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia, and now she swears as much as Samuel L. Jackson in—well, any of his movies” said Jill Marsden ’19.

Some students felt more attacked: “I’m all for professors being more casual, but I think it was a bit much when she called me a ‘motherfuckin’ shit-suckin’ three-bag bitch’ for suggesting bacterial cell walls were made of proteoglycans.  I honestly don’t even know what that means” said Jake Guerrero ’20.

For students in McFadden’s class, the added profanity made the midterm exams difficult to navigate.  Student reports indicate the midterm exam instructions read simply: “Hope you fuckin’ studied you bunch of Erkel-ass motherfuckers. You think you know shit about bacteria? Well you don’t. I’m the damn PhD, and you ain’t nothing but some shit-stained, eye-strained nerdfuckers.”

“The questions weren’t even numbered, she just wrote in a bunch of middle-fingers at the beginning of each question” reported Guerrero ‘20.

As of press time, interviews revealed that no student liked McFadden more after she began cursing.

– MH ’19