College Announces Release of Foco Flavored Condoms

Dartmouth recently announced the upcoming release of condoms flavored based off of student favorites at the Class of 1953 Commons, or Foco.

Head of the project Janet Prushner stated, “We wanted to merge together the two things students love about Dartmouth: the diverse selection of food on campus and animalistic sex.”

We have been provided with samples from the Winter Line of the new project and offer exclusive reviews.

Stale Bread: This unlubricated homage to the loaves of bread that are ravaged by countless unwashed hands is a masterpiece of modern ingenuity. With a yeasty flavor, this condom tastes just like a high quality IPA.

Cantaloupe Water: Generously doused in melon flavored lube, this delectable contraceptive takes grapefruiting to a whole new level. Refreshing and palette cleansing, Cantaloupe Water feels like a trip to the tropics.

Yam: A staple of any healthy diet and now every healthy sex life. Yam brings a sweet, wholesome energy to some good old-fashioned head.

The Puddle of Water Below the Conveyor Belt: This interesting umami explosion elevates any bedroom endeavor. Each product is ensured to truly capture the orgasmic, yet unnamed, flavor that sloshes beneath our uncleaned dishes. A decadent choice.

Only Four Pieces of Sushi: Feeling stingy? Is your lover in the doghouse? Then reach for this fishy flavor so they know exactly what they’re getting: only four pieces of sushi. As an added bonus, couple this condom with an obscenely oversized plate for the true Foco experience.

Vegan Troll Food: This monstrous green condom is perfect for vegans who happen to enjoy fellatio. Its unsettling color and peculiar texture are perfect for getting some earth-loving top.

Windex Bottle of Olive Oil: The sleek design of this rubber is both sexy and very very slippery. The spray bottle HOLDING the olive oil can even be tasted. A true feat of food science.

Bloody Meat: This carnivorous raincoat is nothing short of a trip to the steakhouse. Rich with protein and doused with a blood like sauce your inner beast can finally be unleashed.

Vat of Unmarked Brown Sauce: A truly exotic surprise, the vat of unmarked brown sauce is a sexy (and cheaper) alternative to traveling the globe. Bring the world home with the taste of teriyaki (or maybe General Tso’s?)

Some Milk from a Bag: This lactose rubber is fucking incredible. Who would have thought that milk could be so goddamn sexy. Foco is set to offer three varieties of this flavor: whole, 2% fat, and skim – and you’ll be blessed if you get the chance to use any of them.

– OG ’22