Dartmouth Dems Welcome Hillary Clinton Lite™ to Campus

This Saturday, the Dartmouth Democrats enthusiastically welcomed Senator Kirsten Gillibrand ’88, a slightly more palatable version of Hillary Clinton, in her campaign for the 2020 presidential election.

“She was a fantastic speaker,” said Laila Royan ’22, “and she is so well qualified, composed, and intelligent, with a real grip on the facts of the issues.” Royan felt a quick tinge of dejá vu that she could not place, but ignored it, adding, “That’s got to be enough, right?”

Connor Wells ’19 agreed, “To beat Trump for the presidency, we need to have a smart and pragmatic candidate, like a former lawyer and New York Senator, who has the knowledge and experience to contrast his complete incompetence.” Wells then felt a wave of dramatic irony hit him and asked the interviewer to “wait for just a second” as he rubbed his temples.

Event organizer Aurora Kane ’20 was even more blissfully unaware of the parallels that were right before her eyes, telling the interviewer, “I believe that America is really ready for a female president.” Kane acknowledged that she wished there was more room for intersectionality in the Democratic platform, but rationalized that “If any woman can win the Electoral College, it’s got to be an affluent, white blonde with an Ivy League degree, right?” She continued, “The only way to beat Trump is a with candidate that can mobilize women, someone who get get Americans to say that they’re with her… wait…” Kane trailed off and stared into the distance in horror for eight full seconds before releasing a single sob and whispering, “Oh my God, they’re going to beat us again, aren’t they?”

After the event, newly passionate Dartmouth Democrats wore free Gillibrand 2020 shirts and went about their day, seemingly pathologically unable to learn their fucking lesson.

– IC ’22