Sustainability Win! Safety & Security to Replace SUVs with Ponies

In an effort to improve the sustainability of campus operations, the Department of Safety and Security has announced that it is replacing its fleet of Ford Explorer SUVs with a team of ponies. “This transition will dramatically reduce the carbon footprint of S&S operations,” noted Amy Hobblebush, a representative from the Sustainability Office. “The vehicles they have been using consume an inordinate amount of gasoline every day, especially since they’re often kept idling to power all the on-board electronics. Each of the new ponies, on the other hand, only consumes a few small bales of hay for each day on the job, plus sometimes a nice fresh carrot.”

To make sure the ponies provide all the capabilities needed to keep Dartmouth’s campus safe, each animal will be equipped with the same “police interceptor” equipment package found on current S&S cruisers. This includes state-of-the-art communication systems, a spotlight, and two yellow marker lights mounted on the animal’s ears.

So far, the ponies have been well-received by S&S officers. “Our staff have been impressed by the versatility of these animals,” noted officer Tim Blusterton. “We can hook them up to small carts for the Safe Ride program, and when I need to respond to an urgent call, I can usually feed my pony a Red Bull to get there quicker.”

Officer Blusterton acknowledged a few drawbacks of the new transportation: “Sometimes it gets chilly when the wind picks up, and it’s always a rough day when the ponies have flatulence. Also, one of them tried to kick a freshman when he walked too close the other day, which we’ll have to work on. But overall, these animals seem like viable and efficient alternatives to conventional cruisers.”

Other local security forces may try to adapt this transportation solution for their own needs. In particular, the Hanover Police Department reports that it may consider replacing its own fleet of cruisers with a team of war elephants.

– BvH ’19