Yeah, It’s Fine That You’re Going to Sniffle through This Midterm

It’s completely fine that you’re going to sniffle loudly in front of me during the midterm. I mean, sure. Whatever. It’s not like I was trying to focus anyway, or like this was a large portion of my grade.

Look, it’s not my fault that we are stuck in the same room together. I didn’t choose to have the exam in a lecture hall where the sound travels, so I guess there’s no reason for me to be upset about your pencil tapping against your desk with that little mechanical rattle, but please, for the love of God, just stop with whatever makes that clicking noise or I will gladly rip your arm off of your body and this midterm will not be a problem for either of us anymore.

It’s not a big deal. It’s nothing. It’s not that I care when I hear you make whatever awful, viscerally revolting noise come out of your nose. Is that your breath? Do you have something trapped in there? Is it personal? Do you hate me? I should have sat on the other side of the room, but I can’t possibly move there and I’m just so sorry that I want to do well in this class. I’m applying to grad school. Please stop. Every breath that leaves and enters your body evokes in me the pain of childbirth, and I will rip your throat from your body if there is no relief by the time I finish problem seven.

You know what? Yeah, it’s fine. It’s no big deal. You can go ahead and have your health problems right here, right in front of me in particular when I did absolutely nothing. Sure. While you’re at it, just blow your nose right goddamn here. Slam your water bottle down on the desk. Like, I don’t mind, because, well, why would I mind, right? If I bomb this midterm because I’m distracted and never make it on beyond this and am stuck here in life because of your incessant tapping and noise-making and head-bobbing and whatever you’re doing that could possibly be so interesting that you need to move your hands like that because that’s not even the right-hand rule anymore prevents me from achieving anything at all then. You know what? It’s fine. Whatever.

If you’re not quiet, I will murder you.

– SL ’22