Guy In GOVT Class Plays Devil’s Advocate One Time Too Many, Becomes Satan Himself

Last Wednesday morning in Silsby 217, Brad Stevenson ‘22 shed his mortal skin for the flesh of Satan, also known as the devil, or Lucifer while voicing a controversial opinion without being prompted. This is not an everyday occurrence, so we asked some of Brad’s classmates to describe how the event unfolded.

“We were in the middle of class discussion, and Brad was saying something problematic for attention, so nothing new,” said Meghan Cohen ‘22. “He was just being his usual asshole self – that is, until pointed horns started sprouting from his forehead and the ground split open to reveal the fiery pits of Hell.”

Jose Guerrero ‘21, a classmate of Brad’s who was seated next to him the day of the event, claims that he began to notice Brad’s physical changes after he said something along the lines of “I mean, Columbus did good things too!” just five minutes into class. “When his face started turning red, I figured it was maybe just a nervous thing. It wasn’t until his flaming, forked tail whipped me in the ass that I realized something was really different about Brad.”

Brad, who now sports a goatee, has hooves for feet, and goes by Satan, told us how it feels to occupy the body of the Dark Lord. “His thoughts are my thoughts, and he makes a lot of compelling points,” hissed Satan, who proceeded to hungrily devour the soul of one of our reporters. “For example, we both believe that affirmative action is reverse racism and that the gender wage gap isn’t real. He’s a smart guy. I really don’t see why Satanic worship is so frowned upon.”

At press time, Satan’s classmates overwhelmingly preferred this new version of their peer over Brad, explaining that though the daily virgin sacrifices in class were disturbing at first, he is now too preoccupied to argue with the professor for the merits of colonialism.

-HP ’22