New Study Finds That Free Food on the Collis Table Probably Rice

New findings published in the U.S. Annals of Clinical Nutrition estimate that the contents of the aluminum tray on the table outside of Collis Commonground are, in fact, most likely rice. The study, conducted by esteemed food analyst Dr. Oryza, examined the contents of over 500 similar containers. While there was at times slight variation in the quantity and coloration of the rice, the results overwhelmingly speak to the shocking conclusion that 94.9% of the time, the hopeful investigators of such a tray will find nothing but granular white disappointment.

On average, Americans eat more than 20 pounds of rice per year, and what they don’t eat is probably accumulating a slight crust on the table next to the Collis Help Desk. Rice is grown on every continent besides Antarctica, but somehow always ends up in Hanover, NH on a faux wooden table where it gets ignored until being inevitably discarded between the hours of 2 and 3 AM. Despite being only the third-most produced crop worldwide, rice leaves the competition in the dust when it comes to cooling in its own steam as students stride past without a second glance.

Jack-O reporter James Lee went to investigate the scene, where Lou’s employee Mary Monroe was at a loss for words. “We don’t serve rice,” she said. “If we have something left over at the end of the evening, it’s never something we actively bake in our restaurant. I don’t know where all the cider and donuts went, but if you want to help yourself to some rice…”

These conclusions highlight the inevitable fact that those looking for free food besides rice will have to turn their sights elsewhere. Even so, there may be hope: Collis table frequenter Brian Cook reportedly scored half a cookie on a doily at the site last Tuesday.

– AD ’20