Dartmouth Sophomores Super Excited to Squander $25000 and 20 Years of Parental Sacrifices in the Name of Having a “Lit” Summer

With sophomore summer already underway, the class of 2021 is already looking forward to completely disregarding all the money their parents put into their education so that they could have the “most epic” 19X ever!  Students often cite sophomore summer as one of their best terms at Dartmouth; the weather is nice and only sophomores are on campus, allowing many students to swim by the river all day, throw and participate in massive frat ragers, and completely forget that hundreds of thousands of dollars are going to waste because of their extreme disregard for academic responsibilities.

Sarah Milter ’21, an avid member of CnT, made it clear that if she wasn’t kicking it up in the Rock this summer, she would be at mink brook, the river, hiking, paddling, climbing, mountain biking, or anything else that was outdoors and not the classes that cost 500 dollars each. When asked who was paying for her classes, books, meal plan, weekly dinners at Pine, housing, club dues, alcohol money, and other miscellaneous purchases, Sarah responded “I dunno, my mom probably, what does that have to do with anything?”

James McKinley ’21, a brother of AXA, noted that he was especially excited that he could finally consume tens of thousands of dollars of alcohol and drugs within a nine week period, knowing full well he does not have to hold back because of his classes. “I plan to start drinking in July and black in half way through August,” McKinley said proudly, “full blown memory loss, lets fucking get it.” Our inside analysts estimate that each brain cell killed during this long term black out state is valued at roughly 30,000 dollars each, given that his parents spent a life time total of nearly 3.5 million dollars on his education to make his brain smart.

At press time, students from around campus are making the most of the nice weather by making makeshift bonfires using nothing but 100 dollar bills as tinder.

-JG ’20