I Would Love to Use a Paper Straw, but Killing the Sea Turtles is Step One in My Forty-Seven-Point World Domination Plan

I would love to use a paper straw instead of a plastic one, it’s just that killing the sea turtles is actually step one in my forty-seven-point World Domination Plan.

I don’t like your tone.  I find paper the superior medium to plastic! It pains me to reject your offer, since I would love to sip my Dr. Pepper through a vehicle that adds the taste of cardboard pulp, what fun! Lovely wedding, isn’t it? Stacy looks beautiful. Also, I love the exhilaration of racing the gradual disintegration of my food and beverage vessels—can I finish my drink before my straw loses all of its structural integrity? What a natural high.

Unfortunately, though, I cannot accept your paper straw, despite its whimsical stripe pattern that is totally appropriate for this backyard wedding. Do you have any plastic straws? I need to kill at least three sea turtles today to stay on schedule. They have too much wisdom. The icebergs are next, technically steps three through seven, but I’ve already said too much.

It hardly feels appropriate, given the fact that this is Stacy’s day, to reveal any more of my World Domination Plan to a fellow bridesmaid. Trust me that the sea turtles have to go, so I cannot drink this champagne mixed thing we named after Stacy’s dog through the paper straw you have given me. Do you have any plastic straws?

If you must know, point nine is killing the goddamn land turtles. But be quiet about it. They’re throwing the bouquet.

-CC ’21